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I heard a pastor once say about forgiveness, that after it’s been given, the burden lays on the forgiver. They must live with the memory of what happened.
I’ve never had a flashback before. I think, to some degree, that term is just a part of psychobabble. I watched a movie the other day however, and there was a scene in it that could have been filmed right out my past. To my dismay, the scene freaked me out because it hit too close to home. It's been years since I last wept over those memories. I silently cried for at least half an hour during the movie. I didn't know I was still affected after all these years. I was unable to think of anything else during the rest of the movie. I kept praying for God to get me through this. I also felt guilty because it made me question if I really did forgive in the first place. I know it’s essential I forgive – if I don’t, then why should I receive God’s forgiveness?
I told myself, surely if I already forgave, I wouldn't be dealing with these memories now. In turn, I became frustrated with myself for being so self involved and neurotic over something that occurred so long ago. But still I couldn’t help but ask; Why am I feeling this strongly right now? How do I get past this? Is God upset with me because I’m upset about this again?
Later that same day, the person of transgression called and we spoke for a few minutes. It wasn’t until after hanging up that I realized I completely forgot about my grief during our conversation. There was nothing between us except love during that talk.
God showed me that I did forgive after all. Although this is my burden forever, in forgiveness, I will continue to heal. Perhaps it’s essential I retain this dark memory. I’d like to think it will help my heart stay soft. I hope a soft heart will keep me from hurting someone else. Forgiveness may not bring a cleared memory, but perhaps through it, one will simply decide to look past the pain and both parties can appreciate a love with more depth.



FAITH: When I Chose Modesty

When I was in my teens and early 20s, I was extremely immodest. While I was getting ready to go out, my goal was to look as hot as possible and collect as much attention as possible. 

I thought that if I could be the hottest woman in the room, I would be able to capture attention and it would be mine for as long as I wanted. It didn't occur to me that the kind of attention I was seeking is a fleeting kind. In other words, it didn't matter if I was the most beautiful woman that guy had ever seen. The kind of guy who appreciated my immodesty had zero standards whatsoever. He'd hang on my every word until someone else's skin flashed by. He'd flirt with me and then turn around and flirt with every other girl as well. This guy didn't care about whose makeup was better, who was witty, who had better legs, who was nicest, etc. The kind of guy who is attracted to immodesty is only interested in one thing and that's not your heart. This dude has no other standards an…

FAITH: Are You Willing to Give God Anything He Wants?

Push Up popsicles are interesting.  In order to eat more ice cream, you need to literally push up the stick that's connected to the platform in which the ice cream sits.

My toddlers both lack the strength and dexterity to push up their Push Ups, so I have to make myself available to help them out.  One of my boys understands this.  As his ice cream dips below the cardboard container, he'll eagerly hand his treat over so I can push the stick upwards and he can continue eating.  My other boy doesn't yet understand why he needs my help.  He'd rather chew at the cardboard than willingly hand over his treat for two seconds.  Whenever it's time to push up his ice cream, he grips it tight and puts up a fight against me even though my motive is completely for his benefit.  I never take the ice cream for myself, I only obtain the Push Up in order to make it possible for my boys to have more ice cream.  So they don't have to resort to gnawing on soggy cardboard.

This remin…